Meandering...

I am sitting here taking a break before everyone comes and I have some help.  In some ways, this is a much easier dinner.  I already have all the dishes out and organized. I didn't put them away after the other day.  That might be a small cheat.  

The things that needed prep work are more or less done and cooking and the salad veggies are ready to be cut.  A few spare minutes are good.  

I have been thinking about what I want to knit next.  With 14 some projects already on the go, the last thing I need would be one more project.  But it is New Years very soon and there should be something new, right?  

I haven't been able to decide and I am starting to understand why.  I have one thing I am avoiding.  My Bridgewater.  It is the only thing left from the time before and there is a large part of me that doesn't want to let that one last thing go.  The next oldest is from 2017 started when I was already living here.

That one last thing is a project I worked hard for.  The body was more or less knit twice to see if the dye lots were close enough to use.  I had to search for yarn and the lovely wheatfran rescued me.  And there was progress till halfway through the edging, the join between two balls of yarn failed and I couldn't sort it out to fix it.  I had to pull the edging all off to restart from row 1.  And that is where I am.  

It breaks my heart but it is foolish to feel this one lace shawl holds anything other than the challenges of knitting it within it.  It doesn't hold anything from before other than the date.  Time passes and only memory remains.  

Popular wisdom in the western world would have us put the things that are past down to leave them behind.  If we put things down we are magically healed and we never think of them again, we never let them influence us again, we never need to talk of them again.  Popular wisdom is stupid.  Our past made us.  We need to learn to walk with that past, to know it is with us and to operate with it in our current world whether we want to or not.  It is so no matter if we have bad things in our past or loved ones that are no longer with us.  We must walk in step with where we are in time.  But even so, it is okay to not want to have to do it.  It is okay to want with all your might, that one thing back.  

So deciding to knit that one thing from the time before is a pretty big step.  

I have no idea if any of this makes sense. But my mind us wandering.  And my turnips are done.  Time to get back to work.