Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Yarn and life

Lots of scarf knitting last night. I cannot tell you how much I love this pattern. It makes me feel like a million bucks.

After such a very short time, there are feet of it, miles even. And it simply works!

This scarf is everything that keeps people coming back to knitting. It looks complex, but I know the secret of its simplicity. All the feet of it means I stayed dedicated to the task and when its done, it is a thing of such loveliness and delicacy that I intend to be fully and absolutely amazed that it was made by my hand. Everything about a project like this lacy scarf shouts I am here and I am good. On those days when you need a little confirmation that you are OK, this scarf, this lace is just the ticket.

This scarf with all its feet, its loveliness and its simplicity is a meditation for me. Its a time of quiet where I can submerge myself into the simple repeats and its tidy stitches and block out everything but the string and the needles. Getting so deep into a thing on my needles opens my brain to see the other threads of my life. I see the little blips better, I see where the pattern is getting off track, I can see where the fabric I create is no longer pleasing to me. Submerging into this lace, into my embroideries, and into those many chains of a ruffled pillow edge, lets me question if the fabric I will look back on as I weave the final threads of my life are good. Is it something I am proud to say was mine.

Lately I've not been happy with my fabric. Its not bad, its not unpleasing in all its many little sections, but the parts of the fabric aren't fitting together, the colours jar, the angles are too sharp, the scale is a little off. I've known this for a while now, but I have not been able to understand the next pattern, I have not been able to work through the next step. It seemed as if all my strings were tied up in knots.

Playing intensively with yarns, by crochet, by knitting, by reading and feeling part of this community of crocheters and knitters, I started to see that if I am displeased that I can set it aside. I don't have to work with the bad wool I feel I have had running through my fingers. Someone out there is going to love this wool, and someone out there is going to make something beautiful with it. Just because I don't really love it anymore, doesn't mean it does not have its charms, that it is not a fine and beautiful thing just waiting to happen. For someone else.

I handed in my notice yesterday. I feel lighter than air, I feel like my back is standing straighter today. It took a long time to let go of this very good but demanding and intricate position, and it will be some time before we find the right replacement. I will not leave before me and the powers that be feel comfortable with the choice. But we are looking, and I see the finish line. I have hope, and that feels very very good.

It won't be possible for me to not work. The intensive reading of this job is no longer physically possible for me though, so I need to change scope, look at other things, and find a new way to earn a living. I feel really good. I know that I will land on my feet, and I know that this time I will take better care of me, while I am taking care of the bills.

The one thing I am going to make absolutely certain of? There will be much more time for crocheting, knitting and whatever embroidery and other string play that should happen to come along.

This is a great scarf. I see the beauty in its simple intricacy. That is where I am going. That is what I want.

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Congratulations on finding the right path. It's something I have to do soon, and knowing how much of a difference it makes to you simply makes me more resolved to find something else.
And the scarf is lovely!