Ebb and Flow

I did a lot of knitting this weekend.  I kept at it on the sweater and I had so hoped that I would have the magnificent yoke completed, but no.  It is not.  It is really close though, an inch to where the white welt is knit on both yoke and neck edge, before the body begins.  I am looking forward to that part because then the body begins and I can do my own thing.  Knitting is much easier if it is just plain knitting round and round and round.  In this pretty quoddy blue, that is going to be rewarding.And so I knit.

  

I know that in the morning though, I have some household chores needing doing and a shirt to sew for Cassie.  And monkeys.  It is body week on monkeys and the bodies need to be begun. Lots to do, and lots of time.  No need to stress, and yet my mind races. 

That is really where my mind is at right now.  My head is full of busy and I know that my world isn't actually that busy.  I am finding that I have to work really hard to keep my thoughts in healthy places and on healthy things.  It really isn't about healthy places and things I suppose. As I so often find, sitting here, writing brings some clarity, in exactly the same way that knitting brings calm.   It really isn't about keeping my mind in places that are healthy.  It is much more that I have to let my sorrow out, accept it, acknowledge it and then just get on with the rest of life.  

It is 42 years this week since I married my husband and even now, eight years after his passing, I find I am overwhelmed by how much I miss him.  His place in my life is so empty.  Someone once described grief as waves on a beach that constantly ebb and flow, sometimes calm, sometimes raging.  I know that next week the raging sorrow will be calmer and the waves of deep sorrow will be less.  But today?  Today, sweet heaven how it hurts.