After that nice little break from writing, I almost had to force myself into sitting in this chair this morning. It isn't that I did not want to write, but more that it felt like I had nothing to say. I never say anything very important and that isn't any different than usual. So watch out. It will probably be long.
I did do a very little bit of knitting the last few days. Very little. The last photo of this sock on the blog was at the first section of yellow and that was all the way back to August 2.
Note to self: Clean table before photography. Not a lot of knitting happened the last few days. I just didn't have the urge, not even for very interesting sock knitting. I could not settle or sit still.
With the loom set up finished, I had time to contemplate other things that were bothering me. Specifically storage of books and movies. I had made more room on my living room bookcases when I moved the miniature books into my study, and that made me very happy, but as one room fell together, the other things sort of fell apart. With all my dvds in the livingroom, it became very clear there was no room at all for anymore. That was a serious problem because I had just ordered 9 more. Piles were surrounding my TV and it just made everything feel messy. I moved forward with a purchase to resolve that.
Three of the smallest shelves that Ikea has. I had been thinking of this for a long while, and time came to just do it. They came with a fabric purchase and were set up last week. It was the one place in my living area where I could expand. At the bottom of each unit is a couple shelves of books. Light ones for these very thin shelves to be sure, but ones that are nice to have well within reach. Then comes a couple shelves of dvds each. You can see one of the empty spaces for this newest stack of dvds coming in, but all the other spaces are filled with my Christmas music box collection. It gives me much happiness that these have found a perfect home here.
And then in an effort not to think last week, I went out and bought more furniture. I really wasn't going to but the single large dresser I had was weighing me down. Clothes were pretty stuffed into it and as I fix the box of clothes that have long needed small repairs, it just gets worse. I don't have a lot of clothes in the first place. That one dresser was it, but for two dresses in under bed storage, so getting rid of some isn't an option. As the weeks wore on I went through various options for resolution of this, but I could never quite sort out what would work the best. Wardrobe? Chests? What would fit? I have a huge room here, but I am using part of it for my study/sewing room. That needs space to work well too.
On Wednesday things came to a head. I did laundry, and everything was full and I just cracked. I couldn't stuff any more into the dresser and the dryer was full with a load and the washer was doing a load. So I measured, and made a decision. And the last couple of days have been busy and my arm is a little sore and I have a proto blister in the palm of my hand.
Sitting amongst the debris of building, it struck me how clean and fresh this all feels, how renewed I felt without that heavy piece of furniture sitting there. I had meant to paint it, and use it, so I did not have to buy more. I had even picked out paint and had spent time looking at handles. Sitting there, with that dresser gone, I finally understood. It's not just about having things that fit a space right or about things that work.
I am not sure the way I have been feeling has come through when I write but I have been absolutely frenetic about everything for months. I think my landlord is about ready to turf me. It abated when the house was gone, but it built strongly again as that August anniversary day came. For the last two weeks, I haven't been able to sit for any space of time at all. I can see it in the socks. I can see it in my spinning. I can see it in the endless search for new recipes, in the frantic way I am reading various books. I can see it in way, way too much time spent on Pinterest. I can see it in my last Amazon purchase! This frenetic way I have tried not to think wasn't quite what I thought. It wasn't about wanting a past I cannot have or even about letting it go.
It is about this different me I am without him in my day to day life. It is about this new framework and structure that I have around my day to day and about this new me I see in the mirror in the morning. It is about finally feeling at home in my self again and about feeling like I know who this person is. It has been about building this new inner life. The new outer life is a symbol of that.
No comments:
Post a Comment