Final day

This is my last regular day at my current place of employment after 15 years. When I came here I was 35. 35...I don't even remember feeling 35. EVER. What kind of person sits at the same desk for 10 hours a day for 15 years and can step away from it feeling whole.

Truthfully no one, or maybe no one I know. After 15 years in deep dark pockets of your mind, male or female, no matter how much you value or weigh everything else you do in your life, when you are in one place doing one sort of work this long, a lot of your self esteem, a lot of your self worth in tied up in what you spend 10 hours a day doing. In a lot of ways this whole long process of leaving, of passing on my work, is rending my self vision to bits.

Here at the office, I have always been organized, monitored by minutes, surrounded by queries, responsible for stuff. I've played mother, dish-nazi, confidant, confessor, problem solver, sorter and deliverer of deadlines. At work, I managed and I made things happen. That is the person I leave, the confident, capable, doer.

In this same past 15 years at home, I have slowly gone from being a wife, occasionally competent housekeeper, reader and lover of all things string, mother of small children, chief cook, and bottle washer, to being a wife, does not see dirt sort of housekeeper, reader, lover of all things string, mother to men, not caring if I cook, no dishpan hands in this household sort of person. I have to take this person out to lunch, sit down with her to have coffee and find out just who she is again. We need to go on some nice long walks, to look at fauna, and flora, and to get interested in lichens and moss again.

Its not that I lost touch with things, it's that it feels like there hasn't been time.

This is the first step on a journey to discover something else. Its a little scary. I feel as if I'm setting off on a voyage to see the world I fear is flat with sharp edges. I worry that if I go too far I'll fall off. Inside my head is a teetering feeling, a careening into the unknown that scares me. What if I can't. What if I don't. What if I fall? What if...what if I can?

If I am lucky and if I look at this voyage with open eyes, I think I'll see what mariners of old found. The world is round, you can't fall off the edge, and the corners aren't really corners, just endless avenues for discovery.